Micah Tillman

Five terrible commercials:

1. A radio spot for Ameal BP

A woman asks a man why he’s looking glum, and he says his doctor told him to “get serious” about his blood pressure. The woman says her doctor said the same thing to her. (Of course. For once I’d like to hear a commercial where the interlocutor says, “I have no idea what you’re talking about” and walks away.)

She says she takes Ameal BP tablets everyday. The man replies, with the light of realization audibly dawning upon him, “OH! Like a vitamin!!!”

Right. Like a vitamin. I would have never thought of that comparison. Thank goodness he figured out what in the world she was talking about, because I, for one, was completely lost.

2. Radio spot for Medical Hair Restoration

The announcer promises “awesome, but undetectable results.”

So you want us to pay a lot of money to get undetectable results?

3. Radio spot for various companies

A chipper-sounding female customer service rep says, “Hello, [insert company name here]!” An annoyed, suspicious-sounding, nasal-y male caller says, “Yeah. What’s the catch?” (Think a grumpy Bugs Bunny.)

The rep, sounding absolutely delighted that someone raised such a wonderfully sassy topic, giggles, “The catch?!” The caller then goes on to explain that he can’t believe the deal he’s heard the company advertising.

The first company I heard use this script was General Steel. Since then, I’ve heard (at least?) two other companies use it. Different actors, of course.

4. Radio spot for Mid-Atlantic Waterproofing (UPDATED!)

Announcer says, “Don’t wait for [spring rain or winter snow or something] to produce the devastating effects a leaky basement can cause.”

Is it the rain/snow or the leaky basement that’s causing the effects? Or is it like there’s a choice between having the effects caused by the rain or by the leaky basement? The problem is (evidently) when effects that should be caused by a leaky basement are produced by rain/snow instead.

Maybe?

And isn’t there something redundant about using the words, “produce,” “cause,” and “effects,” all in one sentence?

UPDATE:

Charles at Mid-Atlantic stumbled across my post and e-mailed me to discuss grammar! He was extremely kind, given the fact that I labeled his commercial “Stupid.” (I’m always impressed when people respond well to insults!)

So we discussed the philosophical/grammatical issues (which I think are) involved in the sentence, and (drum roll) he says he may take my advice.

This is a new experience for me. Kind of scary (I’ve got no experience with writing commercials!). Can you imagine what the world would be like if all commercials were written by philosophers?! :-/ :-)

If Charles’s interaction with me is any evidence of Mid-Atlantic’s customer service, they must be a great company to deal with. (They’ve already won a bunch of professional awards, I think.)

5. Every Ovaltine radio spot ever

The annoyingly, rapturously ecstatic children who are beside themselves with explosive delight about the “Rich, Chocolate Ovaltine ! ! !” As if “Rich, Chocolate” was part of the brand name.

! ! !

My name from now on will be, “Large, Red-Headed Tillman.” You must all call me this.

Class, today we are going to talk about Plato. . . . Yes, Johnny? You have a question?”

–Yes, Large, Red-Headed Tillman. I was wondering why your name is so stupid.

It’s not stupid. I was named after my uncle: Rich, Chocolate Ovaltine.”

And the worst commercials of all are the ones for winter months, where everybody talks about “Rich, Chocolate Ovaltine Hot!” As if “Hot” were like “Jr.” or something. Or as if we spoke French, and you put the adjectives after the nouns they qualify.

So, I think I should be, “Large, Red-Headed Tillman Hot.”

Tags: Ameal BP, General Steel, Medical Hair Restoration, Mid-Atlantic Waterproofing, Ovaltine