Micah Tillman

^{[ Conservative | Progressive | Actual ]}

The Conservative Beatitudes (KJV):

(Matthew 5:3) Blessed are the poor in spirit [that is, the humble those who feel guilty about their sinfulness]: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven [which will finally show up when Jesus returns, or else is waiting for us in heaven; or both].

(5:4) Blessed are they that mourn [for their sinfulness]: for they shall be comforted [in heaven, where there are no tears, and where we'll all suddenly lose our sinful nature].

(5:5) Blessed are the [people who are] meek [because of their sinfulness]: for they shall inherit the earth [after the rapture when we all return to reign with Christ].

(5:6) Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness [that is, those who really really wish they weren't so sinful]: for they shall be filled [when they finally get to heaven].

(5:7) Blessed are the merciful [i.e., those who don't treat other people like the sinners they are]: for they shall obtain mercy [i.e., God will let them into heaven, even though they're so sinful].

(5:8) Blessed are the pure in heart [e.g., those who don't watch dirty movies]: for they shall see God [when they get to heaven].

(5:9) Blessed are the peacemakers [whatever that means]: for they shall be called the children of God [which means the fact that they'll get into heaven when they die gives them a special status here on earth].

(5:10) Blessed are they which are persecuted [by Liberals] for righteousness’ sake [in the Culture Wars]: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven [where they'll finally win anyway].

^{[ Conservative | Progressive | Actual ]}

The Progressive Beatitudes (KJV):

(Matthew 5:3) Blessed are the poor in spirit [given Luke 6:20]: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven [which will be established on earth by the followers of Jesus, when they finally get the government to enact progressive policies].

(5:4) Blessed are they that mourn [in their being victimized]: for they shall be comforted [by my followers; at least they would be, if the government would ever cooperate].

(5:5) Blessed are the meek [that is, the oppressed]: for they shall inherit the earth [when my followers finally set up the kingdom and focus all its power on helping them].

(5:6) Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness [that is, social justice]: for they shall be filled [when my followers establish the kingdom].

(5:7) Blessed are the merciful [that is, those who believe in correction, (re)education, and reintegration, rather than punishment]: for they shall obtain mercy [i.e., they'll never be accused of being rich oppressors by the prophets].

(5:8) Blessed are the pure in heart [that is, those who love the poor and oppressed more than their own capital]: for they shall see God [and therefore be able to speak a prophetic word from Her/Him to the impure in heart].

(5:9) Blessed are the peacemakers [i.e., the protesters and non-violent-direct-action-ists]: for they shall be called the children of God [even though everyone is anyway].

(5:10) Blessed are they which are persecuted [by large corporations and other capitalists] for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

^{[ Conservative | Progressive | Actual ]}

The Actual Beatitudes (KJV):

(Matthew 5:3) Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

(5:4) Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

(5:5) Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

(5:6) Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

(5:7) Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

(5:8) Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

(5:9) Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

(5:10) Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

^{[ Conservative | Progressive | Actual ]}

Tags: Beatitudes, Conservative, Progressive